I don’t like the beach for much the same reason I don’t like the crowds at sports events (not to mention the sport itself); it’s too crowded, I always feel overdressed, and there’s far too many fat blokes with their breasticles on display. There’s also the unnecessary amount of sand and water, of which I’m pretty sure every swimming costumed child and adult male is using as their own communal toilet every time they’re deep enough to get away with it, and no matter how large the sea to pee ratio is, those just aren’t odds I’m willing to bet on.
Some people though, quite a lot of them by the looks of it, enjoy sand in their crevices and getting their pasty white flesh on display to get their melanoma on. It seems as soon as the tiniest sliver of sun pokes its fiery face out from behind a cloud, they fly out of their houses in droves to occupy every inch of sand left on the nearest coast line to oil each other up and bake. Until that heavenly oven grows cold (or your skin becomes so painful that you need hospitalisation).
Me? I’m ok with my white skin, and I prefer getting my cancer the healthy way; sucked from a cigarette butt until my lungs say kerching and pay out.
Different strokes huh?
Somewhere on a beach in California people are disappearing, or suffering mutilations after being spotted on the sand. One crazy grizzled cop thinks its Nazis (yes Nazis), but the truth is even more disturbing and ridiculous; there is a phallic shaped monster living under the sand!
In the vein of the 50’s and 60’s sci fi drive in style horror romps that have become oh so kitsch these days, Blood Beach is often overlooked by fans and critics when citing classic horror films of the 80s, but this really is a decent, tongue in cheek attempt at recreating the more simplistic schlock that I just can’t seem to get enough of. The sound is excruciatingly bad at times and the lighting is pretty much none existent in some scenes, but somehow the film manages to hold its appeal until the credits start to roll.
Fans of Tremors and even Star Wars (What’s not to love about the Sarlacc Pit as the premise for a horror movie?) will no doubt get a kick out of this, if they can see past the technical disasters and maybe borrow Granddad’s hearing aid, as Blood Beach is as underrated a monster movie as they come.
Blood Beach would be to sand what Jaws was to the water, if the film was directed by Spielberg, but alas, it does suffer for its grainy picture, and multiple microphone cameos (if Spot the Boom Mike was a drinking game then this film would be responsible for more deaths than Russian roulette and boredom combined.) Its camp approach and unabashed silliness are undeniably charming, especially with a quote paying direct homage to Speilbergs finned phenomenon when Pearson quips:
‘Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can’t get to it.’
Which begs the question: Why wouldn’t you just go to a bar like normal people … but then again I’ve seen Feast and that really didn’t work out too well.