Bikes. Exciting right? The speed, the danger, the leathers, the roar of the engine … oh bicycles you say …yeah, I guess they’re ok …if you’re ten.
When I saw that this was a horror film about bike enthusiasts, I thought, heck yeah! High speed chases, a crash or two, awesome stunts, and then disappointment kicked in when in the first five minutes I realised that the girl was riding a pedal bike. Not quite as cool or leaving as much scope for action, but I’ll bite.
Blood Trails is the story of Anne, who likes bikes, and not the cool kind. After a cheating on her blissfully unaware boyfriend with a violent policeman, they decide on a bike (sigh) trip into the mountains to reconnect with each other. Unfortunately the said boy in blue doesn’t take the hint that a one nighter is just that, follows the loved up young two, and proceeds to stalk and terrorise them in the conveniently remote setting.
Is it any good though?
Oh no. Definitely and unequivocally not is the answer.
Firstly, every actor in this film commits crimes against accents the likes of which have not been heard since Dick van Dyke attempted to speak the fictional tongue of ‘Chimney Sweep’ in Mary Poppins. My first inkling of how bad it was going to be lay in the very first fake American sentence uttered and as I had feared it was downhill all the way from there. Shameful work of the dialect coaches aside, the script was terrible, the lead actress was at times undistinguishable from the trees and the completely ridiculous plot makes this the most painful thing I’ve witnessed since I saw the trailer for the sequel to Big Momma’s House.
I realise that this was an attempt at a stylish and tense survival horror, but all it manages to achieve is a really good advert for the pro argument for euthanasia, because this is a film that needs putting out of its misery.
Choose something else, unless you enjoy bike riding, in which case you should go right ahead, because this is probably your special brand of ‘fun’.