Two Front Teeth (2006)

Finally a holiday horror that lives up to the hype, and made me laugh out loud (I don’t do ‘LoL’s’, they make me gag), which in this climate of Scary Movie loving ’comedy ‘ horror fans, is no mean feat believe me.

With a budget low enough to limbo under and win first prize at the luau, Two Front Teeth is a B-Movie masterpiece. There’s no familiar faces, no serious furrowed brow telling us that this horror film is based on ‘True Events’ just plain old wholesome blood and guts applied liberally across a ridiculously tongue in cheek storyline. Screw the Charlie Brown Christmas – I’ll take his Two Front Teeth and mop up the blood with Linus’ blanket any day of the week … in December that is.

Gabriel Snow has a phobia of Santa Claus, but ironically works on the tabloid style publication ‘The X-Mas Files’ which is like a festive Fortean Times for the holiday obsessed. His wife, therefore, could not have picked a more unsuitable person to be conducting an affair with than a guy who works as her husband’s worst nightmare at the mall (she’s obviously trading up – a man like that is obviously really going places. The Dole office come January perhaps ..)
Anyway .. While investigating a mysterious plane crash old Gabe gets a little two close to the truth and makes himself the target of well .. Santa Claus .. Who’s a vampire.


that’s it.

I know – awesome right? But wait, what could be better than a blood sucking Santa? That’s right ninjas! But what if the ninjas were nuns? Have you just died and gone to heaven, or is that not enough to make you run out right now and buy this thing? I thought so.

It’s ok – I can wait.

Two Front Teeth is bizarrely endearing, with some genuinely witty, interesting dialogue and scenes that will make you weep with their trashy, tongue in cheek beauty. Some things, like the fact Santa’s real name is ‘Clausferatu.’ or that the ninja nuns are referred to as ‘Silent Knights’ actually made me guffaw with laughter – now I wasn’t even aware I was capable of a ‘guffaw’, I merely assumed that it was a sound only made by old men with moustaches in Agatha Christie novels but this film proved me wrong. Every days a school day ..

This film is a Bruce Campbell movie sans Bruce Campbell. And where I come from, there is no higher praise than that.

I know what I’m asking the red suited, fanged guy for next year .. and when Santa delivers Bruce, I’m sending him straight out to buy me this!

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