Elves (1989)


When a Christmas themed horror movie features the line (delivered by a Nazi) ‘When there’s no more room in hell, the Elves shall walk the earth.’ you know, if nothing else, that you are in for an entertaining watch, and Elves if nothing else, will entertain your little socks off people.

Kristen’s life is more crappy than any character in a soap opera I know. Her mother steals her hard earned college fund and drowns her cat, her younger brother is a weird little pervert, and her wheelchair bound grandfather is a Nazi (literally) who slaps her around. I know right? And you think you have problems ..

One night she holds a sort of ritual (which I’m still not altogether sure what the point of it was) with her two best friends, where she’s been forbidden by her Granddad (in his comedy German accent) to go. She cuts herself and spills blood on the ground, which unbeknownst to Kirsten and her gal pals unleashes a creature from the earth.

Got that?

Ok then, so the creature is actually an Elf that the Nazis (yep, they’re still huge fans of the madcap scheme) want to impregnate Kirsten (a virgin and the product of father /daughter incest – all together now – Eeeeewwww!) on Christmas Eve, to create a master race and bring about the Fourth Reich.

Still with me?

So obviously it’s up to a down on his luck, ex store detective who’s now working as Santa ( TV’s chain smoking hero Dan Haggerty aka Grizzly Adams) to take on the Nazi/Elf threat and save Christmas, the girl, and the world.

The thing about this film is that it’s an obscure one, but it it’s so worth the watch if you can find a copy. Completely bizarre, hammy acting, villains so terrible that by the end you’re rooting for them and the Elf .. (Because there is surprisingly only one of them -FX budget issues perchance?) barely moves an inch during the entire film, which is not so much scary, as kind of sad.

I defy you to not fall in love with this shining piece of B-Movie trash, with it’s highly quotable dialogue and feel good festive message (Christmas and Grizzly Adams – 1, Nazi’s and Elves – 0). It should be shown every year, so that while these damn, spoilt kids are playing with their Ipod’s and other hip things that the young ones covet these days, they might show a bit of gratitude that they aren’t running every Christmas Eve from genetically engineered fiends for the Fuehrer.

Now if that doesn’t fill the little buggers with Yuletide cheer, I don’t know what will.

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