Chopping Mall (1986)

Chopping Mall (1986)

Picture if you will, a simpler time, when all futuristic fantasies involved were robot butlers and hover boards. We as a species have been robbed by every kid who has watched Back to the Future and grown up to be a so called ‘scientist’. Wasting their time and resources on trying to find a cure for cancer and cloning sheep, when let’s face it the good people on the home shopping channels are making far more exciting breakthroughs – a blanket? With sleeves? Excuse me while I weep with joy.

The eighties lied to us. They promised us things that time has not delivered. Where is my fracking hoverboard and self tying shoe laces? I’d probably use them as much as I used my pogo stick and space hopper, but damn it, I want the choice to throw them into the back of my wardrobe and let them gather dust and I want it now!

Chopping Mall has reminded me of how much faith the eighties put in our scientists and how much those lazy bastards let us down – the world could have been awesome,

Now picture this.

A mall. In the eighties. Patrolled by robots that look a bit like Johnny Five’s older, rounder, less talkative brother. Let’s call him Jimmy Five. Bullets don’t hurt them and they don’t have a sense of humour like Johnny, or any of the people skills (it’s ok, I want to watch Short Circuit after this also, we are only human). A group of kids working at said mall throw a non job related gathering in one of the stores after hours. Can you see where this thing is heading?

Yep, the salesman of our little robot fiends actually ends his sales pitch with the words ‘There’s absolutely no possibility of anything going wrong.’ Can you say lawsuit?

Go wrong it does though when an electrical storm causes our little Metal Mickey’s to get all murderous on those big haired bags of hormones. Oh yeah – crappy looking killer robots chasing stupid teenagers . Do films get any better than this? No wonder I’m so jaded these days, when no one is making movies like this any more.

The soundtrack is synth-tastic, the acting is Days of Our Lives-esque (in my head that’s a good thing), and the special effects are so bad that they make every episode of the Power Rangers look Oscar worthy. That my horror loving amigos is why Chopping Mall is one of my all time favourite films. If you haven’t yet seen it, do it now – the DVD’s are criminally cheap (especially if you steal them) and that old neighbour guy from Gremlins is in it for like five seconds.

Now tell me do recommendations come any higher than that?

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