Unearthed (2007)

Unearthed (2007)

When the member of a now defunct eighties boy band is one of the main stars in a horror film, it makes you uneasy, but when that person is Luke Goss of Bros (ahem) fame, you know things are about to get really badly acted. Oh yeah.
Nevertheless I’m nothing if not a trooper, and this film was one of After Dark Horror Fest’s Films To Die From .. sorry I mean For in 2007, and there’s been some cinematic diamonds (ironically) unearthed from these recommendations so I persevered.

Regrets? You could say that.

The story has been done to death and done way better than this. Small, remote, desert looking town in America gets terrorised by an alien type beastie thing. Characters – alcoholic Sherriff (luckily for the boys watching it just so happens she’s the young, hot, acceptable face of alcoholism) traumatised by tragic events, and losing the respect of her community, wise cracking (I use this term about as loosely as a plus size dress on Kate Moss) black guy, slutty blonde, man in cowboy hat, maverick archaeologist/scary survivalist hero (the guy from Bros incidentally)… need I say more?

The CGI was about as believable as Luke Goss in any role, ever, and the scares could not have been less scary if it was in fact an episode of Diagnosis Murder (To any DM fans out there, don’t be offended, I am a huge fan of the Van Dyke and his work. Calm down). The dialogue was pretty cringe worthy at times (Example: ’We might as well be waiting around for … Tupac’ – Oh yeah, that was an actual line) and ye gads those people could not have died fast enough for my liking. The fact is I don’t have enough thumbs for the thumbs down this film deserves – I’m seriously considering surgery.

I’d like to finish with an open letter to the Casting Director for Unearthed.

Dear I’m-Too-Lazy-To-Look-Up-Your-Name-On-IMDB,
Luke Goss as an archaeologist? Really? That’s what you call good casting? Please don’t insult my intelligence by expecting me to buy into the idea that he is capable of being anything other than Luke Goss. He doesn’t even do that well, most of the time. In future, blow all your budget on Marky Mark – if they fire you, at least you will have A) Met Marky Mark and B) Dissed Luke Goss – and tell me what’s more fun than that?

That’s right.
Nothing.

Yours A Wee Bit Irritated,

The Gore Whore.

By the way if you are in fact, Luke Goss and are offended by anything I may have talked about, well good. I will stop being offensive, when you cease acting, and even then I’ll probably look back on the memories and mock you.

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