The Blackout (2009)
The creature feature. My one true love – and if you look at my back catalogue of exes, you’d believe how much I know about the subject – and indeed the concept of horror in general. From King Kong (original people!) to Tremors, from The Blob to Dracula , there is no horror genre more universally accepted or more imprinted in the psyche of the general populace. Who doesn’t remember being creeped out by a monster movie when you were still in the Disney film stage (I realise some of us are still at that stage, even after Walt’s racist leanings were uncovered and we learned about the overflow of his cup of hatred and crazy, but I’m talking about that innocent time around about the age of five or six, when ‘crap’ was a dirty word and double entendres went way over your head.)?
King Kong and Godzilla were great contributions to my nightmares in those days, but hey, I fell in love with them too, so not all bad right?
Really does explain a lot of my past relationship choices …
The Blackout centres around the remaining residents of The Ravenwood apartment block in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve, while everyone else has gone visiting family and whatnot for the holidays. The city has been experiencing earthquakes, blistering heat, problems with power surges and the collapses of building foundations for a few days now, but everyone’s basically shrugging their shoulders, because well, because the people in this film are dumb as a box of rocks.
The residents get trapped in the building and are terrorised by some toothy looking monsters that I’m assuming have been living underground until this film was made. I don’t know why they‘ve never risen up and gone mental on humanity before, but I’m trying to cover up script holes for my own sanity.
Cue lots of hammy survival style running around, shooting, and inexcusable death scenes – because believe me when the characterisation and dialogue is this bad you want them to die horribly to give you some sense of satisfaction, but sense and satisfaction are two things this film will never deliver. It makes every Uwe Boll film look like .. Well it makes them look better than a Uwe Boll film put it that way.
OK, let me start by saying that the acting in this one is pretty goddamn bad. It’s Pinocchio before he got his wish granted (y’know , the wish to not be wooden), and has this weird 70’s style European dubbed quality even though it is in fact in English, and it’s off putting not to mention irritating beyond belief.
Oh but the ‘monsters’, now they were entertaining. Not in a I’m remotely scared or fooled that this is anything other than a guy in a suit and some terrible CGI, but I thought they were kind of cute in a Gremlin kind of way – I would so buy the doll version, and with it I would create amazing death scenes, causing everyone involved in this film to weep with jealousy.
The Blackout is to be avoided, because it stinks like week old fish – much like the script and the acting in it.