Backwoods (2008)

Backwoods (2008)

Survival of the fittest/prettiest/Most bankable star in the woods – we’ve all seen the films haven’t we? Deliverance, Wrong Turn, Severance, The Hills Have Eyes (I’m talking original here NOT ridonkulous remake btw) – my point being it’s been done to death (ooh I’m not excusing that pun, but I may take a bow) and lets face it, way better than this.

That’s not to say this is a bad film – actually it’s entertaining in a ‘I-can’t-be-bothered-with-a-film-I-may-have-to-think-about-so-I’ll-stick-this-one-on-instead’ way. It’s inoffensive and really provoked no reaction from me either way – it’s neither spectacular or crappy, and that isn’t good when it comes to horror. I mean, if I hate a film violently, surely that’s easier for a director to get their head round than me saying ‘Meh,’ and shrugging. At least their art has spoken to me – and even if their art has spat in my face and called me a bitch, well, I don’t get it (me and their art have never met so I haven’t had the pleasure of pissing it off yet), but I appreciate that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and they get my respect for creating something provocative, even if it isn’t to my taste (because spitting is a dirty habit after all).

I’m going to say it – Backwoods is beige.

So a group of corporate types, go for one of those team building exercise jobbies in the woods where they dress up in camouflage gear and run around shooting each other with paint pellets. Apparently this helps them get along better in the office, but I’m pretty sure that if someone made me camp out in a tent and ordered me to run a lot, it would merely make me more likely to either quit my job or shoot my co workers with something that stained their clothes with a red and gooey substance that you wouldn’t want to slap on your walls while redecorating believe me. Hey that’s just me and my hatred of nature, physical exertion, and people in general though.

Anyway … that nice guy (who looks like he eats babies) in the bar they stop at, gives them directions to somewhere that isn’t company approved and poor characterisation makes the viewer not really care where this is heading – but we soldier on.

They split into two opposing teams and set up camp for the night – one of the teams consists of a black man, an Asian man, the secondary female, and an effeminate white dude. Can you guess which group gets attacked first?

Yup, good guess – have a cookie.

We quickly learn that the land has been claimed by some sort of weird survivalist, inbred cult that likes to rape and impregnate girls instead of handing out recruitment leaflets. We don’t know how or why it started, and that sort of thing irritates the bejaysus out of me – I like explanations and mythology people! Background is key – but apparently not here. We get locked out.

All in all it’s serviceable as a throwaway film, but really hardly worth the time. No gore, no amazing revenge plot, just beige as far as the eye can see (or at least until we get to the credits). You could watch it, if there’s nothing else better to do and if you haven’t got (the original) Hills Have Eyes on DVD. If you’d prefer to watch the remake or this film, then I have nothing more to say to you – you can’t be helped.

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