Unchartered (2009)

Unchartered (2009)

That was me clearing my throat while I try to think of something good to say about this film.
Nope, that didn’t work.
Ok then, here goes.

First of all, let me remind the film makers of the world that Blair Witch was a long, long time ago in terms of cinematic longevity (the Spanish zombie flick Rec is an exception to this rule, because A) it was awesome and B) I am biased when it comes to the Zombie genre in general). No matter how much you think its edgy and original to film things in the shaky camcorder style, I am here to tell you that it isn’t, you’re a giant douche for thinking it in the first place, and honest to Romero (God) if I have to watch another one of these tired ass excuses for horror films, I am going to be writing the next film review from prison, because I will have officially snapped and took a lot of innocent lives to quell the anger that these films seem to provoke in me.
I’m sorry you had to read that, but its true. Unless, that is, you were involved in this piece of absolute trash, and in that case I’m not sorry, and you should watch your back.

Seriously I have seen porn with more original script writing and believable acting, but hey, I’m supposed to be reviewing it so here’s the storyline for those of you who are going to ignore me and watch it anyway to see if I’ve been a bit harsh in my comments (FYI if you are one of those people, you deserve every second of this film).

The plot concerns a documentary film crew whose plane has crashed on an ‘unchartered’ island (yeah, the clever title blew my mind too).
That’s basically all of the story that I’m going to explain to you because, well, I cant be bothered and you should have gleaned all the information from that summary that you’ll ever need.
I guess they were going for a Lost meets (sigh) Blair Witch kind of senario, but all they succeeded in was boring me and making me angry.
I stuck it out though. To the bitter, and I mean bitter end. I’m gonna give you a hint at what a feat this was for me to accomplish by throwing a few quotes from the film at you.

‘I’ve got a bad feeling about this,’ said with no hint of sarcasm, or irony.

‘As bad as South Africa/Peru/This Film?’ These lines are trying to tell the audience that this crew has a camaraderie due to their time spent together working on other shoddily made films, I’m assuming. Every time they said this I got a little more angry and it wasn’t five minutes into the film.

If I was in charge of the dvd release cover design the tag line would read:

‘This film makes baby Jesus cry.’

That’s all I have to say on the matter, onwards and hopefully, upwards.

This entry was posted in critique, fiction, film and media, horror, opinion, pop culture. Bookmark the permalink.

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